On loss
Written in the days after losing my mother — the one person on earth who never let me disappear.
I have never felt pain like this. I’ve been burned, heart broken, broken bones and suffered loneliness but the pain in me today is much deeper than any of that, all of that. My mom is the greatest person I have ever known, she is the one person on this earth that never let me disappear. I’m terrible at keeping in touch, and she knew that about me, and instead of getting mad and frustrated, she loved me. She called, every week.. at least once a week to let me know she did.
I love you mom.
My mother, well above any other, knew my heart. She knew an honest me; the me battered by thousands of mistakes, the me that loves openly, and the me that knows compassion and acceptance. She knew the best parts of me, they were from her. To the rest of the world I am austere and sometimes sharp, Mom never let me forget that there is more to me, there is the child that cried and lost sleep over the concept of homelessness. She mended my broken heart, gave me more love than two parents could. She knew my sensitive heart and fragile ego and buffered me from disappointment and hurt.
I’m sitting here in my Mom’s living room only days since losing her. [Relatives] milling about the house, worrying over details and concerning themselves with each other’s pain and well-being. Every surface is covered and decorated with Mom’s touch. Every pot, pan, and dish touched by these people is a bitter reminder that my best friend, my Mom is gone and no one will understand these pieces of her in the same way that I do. I’m alone.